I'm doing this for Liza

Not many people are going to care about, much read, this post. I really can’t do anything about that. In time, I expect to change the latter, and if I manage to do that, the former will be the reason. Neither of which has anything to do with Liza.

Liza Minnelli, that is. Liza with a “z”. Indeed, that Liza. The star of my favorite movie of all time, Cabaret. There’s a lot to love in that movie, and there’s a lot about Liza to love as she plays the irrepressible Sally Bowles. And as I was watching part of the movie a while ago, I realized something vital: I’ve spent my life to feel the way Sally feels in that movie.

To feel the way Liza must clearly feel — have felt — in order to give one of the great movie performances ever. Two songs more than any other (both, by the way, reprised with amazing power in her award-winning tv special, directed, as was the movie, by Bob Fosse: Liza with a Z).

“Maybe this time” is the ultimate song of hope:

Not a loser anymore
like the last time and the time before.

And all the times before that, and no doubt many times to follow. For some of us, happiness and love seem to be as elusive as the ability to grow wings and fly to the moon. The song is wonderful, but it’s the way she sings it, the joy that flows from something special deep inside, something but blessed and broken. No one can yearn for love and happiness with such incredible desire unless they have known the depths of loss, abandonment and pain. Many people, of course, give in to the pain and give up the dream.

Some have no choice but to hope and yearn regardless of what we actually live through. When I watch Liza sing that song, I recognize someone incapable of giving up the dream. Addiction, character flaw or stroke of luck; I have no idea what it is for her, but I don’t think Liza/Sally can even relinquish the hope that this time will be different, despite all evidence to the contrary.

The title song, of course, is the big show-stopper. The message is not, as too many derive from the words, about doing anything to enjoy life, even if it means to shuffle off much too early. That’s a terrible superficial and stupid misunderstanding of what it means to desire to live life so intensely. We can play it safe with our lives, sitting alone in our rooms; or we can go hear the music play. Only if we refuse the safe option can we truly enjoy what is possible for our lives.

For me, this means quitting my job even though the economy sucks ass. Thanks to an insurance settlement — and trust me, it’s not that big — I can leave my safe place and get out where the music is playing. So to speak. Starting in early October, I will be working for — me. Freelancing. Because, as so many people know, nothing says financial security and vocational success as “freelance writer”. But here is the worst that could happen: a year from now, I have to get a low-paying job that has no future and from which I derive no personal satisfaction.

That’s my current job, so I guess a more accurate statement would be: The worst thing that could happen is that I play it safe and stay where I am. Stick the money in the back, buy some cd’s, invest in something safe. In a few years, I’d have a few more bucks in that bank and I’d truly to hate my life. No thanks. I’ve been living that option for too long. The money is an illusion. The money is always an illusion. I can afford to live off my settlement for almost a year, and I can earn more money along the way, but I cannot find satisfaction or a future if I stay where I am now.

I am writing all this because now that people know I am leaving my job, the fear is starting to show its ugly face. Freelancing is not a good career choice, but sometimes it’s the only choice that will work. I know this, but the fear is real. The doubt is insidious. When they tag-team you, it’s hard to remember why the dumb idea is the right idea.

No use permitting
some prophet of doom
To wipe every smile away.
Come hear the music play.
Life is a Cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret!

No, it’s not that simple. I’m not naive; I know that success as a freelance writer (and progressive advocate) will take a ton of hard work, a lot of entrepreneurial energy, and the good will of friends and supporters who will help me succeed. No amount of joy or hope can substitute for work, but the work means nothing without them. Is Liza Minelli my corporate guru? Not likely. But she is my muse. Rent Cabaret or Liza with a Z; watch her sing, especially these two songs, and I hope you’ll get it: She simply does not care what the world might be thinking, what the right or wrong thing to do is, what the consequences are going to be. Live, sing, let the joy and hope overwhelm everything in your path.

And while you’re at it, bookmark this site.

Maybe this time, I’ll get lucky….