i still want my life
to mean something
in a way
that relieves me
of responsibility
for what it means.
i know:
how immature.
how selfish.
how human
of me to be
so afraid
of accepting ownership
of myself
and my life.
but that’s the thing:
i am afraid.
i have done
a terrible job
of living my life,
and i have had
so many years
of getting it
so wrong.
i’m supposed to believe
i’m suddenly
going to start
getting it right?
well, yea,
maybe not suddenly,
but it’s true
that i can
start getting it
at least
a little bit right.
and it scares me
to wonder
what will happen
if i do.