T.A. Barnhart
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carpe bucko

getting caught up

Being right, about anything, is possibly my greatest temptation. I will fight any battle to prove I am right about whatever. This does nothing good for my mental health. I am learning to just let it go.

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T.A. Barnhart
be careful what you meditate for

Meditation is not prayer; the experience is entirely embodied. The purpose isn’t to change the universe or other people; it’s to enable me to be aware of my thoughts, emotions, and how my body is doing. 

But then, wierd shit still happens. Because, you know – life.

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T.A. Barnhart
lesson learn(ing)(ed)

Mindfulness works, as many people attest (millions through history), but I have to learn and experience it for myself. This is a slow process, and it’s not designed for “results” as such. But then there is a morning like this morning….

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T.A. Barnhart
any mindfulness will do

Mindfulness comes in two flavors: dharma and corporate. Both can help people deal with stress, anxiety, etc. Both lead to being present in your life as it happens rather than being a passenger. But there are some differences that matter.

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T.A. Barnhart
the felt wall

Mindfulness is a bit tough when the mind is not available, nor the emotions. I don’t feel like a zombie, but there’s something zombie-like about me. This post has nothing to do with zombies, by the way.

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T.A. Barnhart
your brain ain't shit

Human consciousness is the mechanism that tells humans that their consciousness is the greatest thing in the universe. Consciousness also lets us eat that third helping of pie. Maybe we shouldn’t take it so damn seriously.

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T.A. Barnhart
i deserve better

This is nowhere near the life I thought I’d live, but, at the same time, I never gave my life sufficient thought when I was younger. Also, I was unaware that my life included depression until it got to the point where it felt like my life was depression. No one deserves to live like this.

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T.A. Barnhart
wasting time

How can so many free hours in a day, day after day, not result in a full, productive life? What the hell is wrong with me? And who is this baker that does more in a morning than I get done in a week?

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T.A. Barnhart
reset

2018 was an awful year for me, the culmination of a number of increasingly bad years for my mental health. I’ve had enough of that shit; this is close enough to the bottom for me, so time to head upwards. Being more intentional with this blog is part of that. Not that posting this at the end of February says a lot about this intent….

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T.A. Barnhart
on my own

2018 was rock bottom. Hallelujah! 2019 gets a head start on things, especially as I become a shopper for the right mental health treatment.

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T.A. Barnhart
shame, an intro to an intro

Shame is something I’ve begun to think about, since it is starting to seem possible that that’s the root of my mental health issues. But I know almost nothing about shame, so I am glad to have been pointed to Brené Brown. This is the beginning of me beginning to learn.

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T.A. Barnhart
meaning

It feels weird to talk about taking life lessons from a fantasy anime, but here I go. But also from a science fiction audiobook and one of the most famous memes before memes were a thing.

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T.A. Barnhart
いただきます

Belief in God is not necessary in order to be thankful, even on Thanksiving. The Japanese provide a guide to mindful gratitude in one simple phrase: いただきます

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T.A. Barnhart
stupid brain

The Buddha’s teachings about thoughts are pretty good, centered on “here and now”. Mental illness makes that tricky to apply, like trying to walk to the hospital with a busted leg. Or two.

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T.A. Barnhart
disability

Disabilities can be invisible. Just because a person does not have an apparent physical disability does not mean they are “normally” abled. Mental illness is a disability. Which means ableism is also an issue.

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T.A. Barnhart
sharing with family

Last night, I finally wrote my family and told them about my depression. Today, I wrote a blog about that. Not the tightest writing ever, but hey. I wrote something. That’s a win.

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T.A. Barnhart
panic

I’ve never dealt well with adversity, and it seems that the more I learn about my mental health/illness, the worse it becomes – at times. Context is critical. Thankfully, I am finding a way to deal with it, although it’s not something that works at 70mph on the freeway.

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T.A. Barnhart
victimization

It would be easy to walk, or drift, into Permanent Victimhood. But I’ve known those people, and I don’t want to be those people. I trying for a more positive & productive life.

I want to be healthy.

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T.A. Barnhart