T.A. Barnhart
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carpe bucko

wasting time

How can so many free hours in a day, day after day, not result in a full, productive life? What the hell is wrong with me? And who is this baker that does more in a morning than I get done in a week?

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T.A. Barnhart
reset

2018 was an awful year for me, the culmination of a number of increasingly bad years for my mental health. I’ve had enough of that shit; this is close enough to the bottom for me, so time to head upwards. Being more intentional with this blog is part of that. Not that posting this at the end of February says a lot about this intent….

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T.A. Barnhart
on my own

2018 was rock bottom. Hallelujah! 2019 gets a head start on things, especially as I become a shopper for the right mental health treatment.

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T.A. Barnhart
shame, an intro to an intro

Shame is something I’ve begun to think about, since it is starting to seem possible that that’s the root of my mental health issues. But I know almost nothing about shame, so I am glad to have been pointed to Brené Brown. This is the beginning of me beginning to learn.

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T.A. Barnhart
meaning

It feels weird to talk about taking life lessons from a fantasy anime, but here I go. But also from a science fiction audiobook and one of the most famous memes before memes were a thing.

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T.A. Barnhart
いただきます

Belief in God is not necessary in order to be thankful, even on Thanksiving. The Japanese provide a guide to mindful gratitude in one simple phrase: いただきます

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T.A. Barnhart
stupid brain

The Buddha’s teachings about thoughts are pretty good, centered on “here and now”. Mental illness makes that tricky to apply, like trying to walk to the hospital with a busted leg. Or two.

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T.A. Barnhart
disability

Disabilities can be invisible. Just because a person does not have an apparent physical disability does not mean they are “normally” abled. Mental illness is a disability. Which means ableism is also an issue.

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T.A. Barnhart
sharing with family

Last night, I finally wrote my family and told them about my depression. Today, I wrote a blog about that. Not the tightest writing ever, but hey. I wrote something. That’s a win.

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T.A. Barnhart
panic

I’ve never dealt well with adversity, and it seems that the more I learn about my mental health/illness, the worse it becomes – at times. Context is critical. Thankfully, I am finding a way to deal with it, although it’s not something that works at 70mph on the freeway.

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T.A. Barnhart
victimization

It would be easy to walk, or drift, into Permanent Victimhood. But I’ve known those people, and I don’t want to be those people. I trying for a more positive & productive life.

I want to be healthy.

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T.A. Barnhart
mush brain & avoidance

I think about the steps to take to be able to write regularly and freely, and the word “discipline” comes to mind: discipline to meditate regularly and help clear out my mind; discipline to not waste time; discipline to set and keep regular writing times.

I know, of course, that I am not dealing with moral failure but mental illness.

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T.A. Barnhart
diverted attention

Facebook has a lot to offer, but, if you are not careful, it can extract quite a price. I have been paying that price without realizing it, so a change is necessary. A return to basics. To essentials.

To writing and not Facebooking.

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T.A. Barnhart
at last, an ending

A lifetime of moving forward? Not so much. So many opportunities for what should have been endings leading to new beginnings, but all I’ve done is drift from one place to the next with no resolution, no forward focus. Just pointless movement, and not even forward.

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T.A. Barnhart
next step

That’s what I figured out yesterday: Write. Don’t plan, don’t prepare. Write. As Harlan Ellison said, “Writers write”.

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T.A. Barnhart