TA Barnhart
a progressive voice from the Pacific Northwest

carpe bucko

Exploration 2018

A week into the new year, which isn’t enough time to make any assessments. But I recorded a vlog that was not about politics or my mental health – it was about my love of anime – and I posted it this morning. This qualifies as a significant step forward. A challenge to the fear that has stopped me from doing the things I want to do.

I’ve done things like this before, however. What’s needed isn’t sporadic acts but a consistent production of blogs, vlogs, and so on. I need to write in this blog at least two or three times a week. I need to start scheduling and posting podcast interviews weekly – every week. I need to keep producing vlogs a couple of times a week. 

It’s like exercise, of course: either it’s regular and effective, or it’s not. There’s no middle ground being “doing” and “not doing”. Just ask Yoda.

Part of my problem has been that I wait until inspiration strikes before writing. That’s fine when inspiration is waiting to strike, but the muses are a sketchy bunch. And my understanding from successful writers is that muses tend to ignore writers who do not put the effort into writing. They’re sketchy and puritanical.

I have no need for gods anyway, especially old Greek gods who no one believes in anymore. As the great Oshino Meme said, Only you can save yourself. Or, to put that into context, only I can be my muse.

I have been thinking for some time that I need (want) to write something memoir-ish. Not an actual memoir; at this point, I have too little recollection of the events of my life to do that. (Plus there’s the slight problem that my life is probably too boring to make much of a memoir.) But I do need to explore my past in a constructive, systematic way. I have a hodgepodge of ideas about how my mental illness developed over the years; I need to take a more careful look at that. 

Two things in particular, the two things that seem to be my greatest challenges (my arch-enemies): anger and fear. I stop myself from acting out of fear, and I poison my mind with anger. Any other issues I deal with pale into comparison with these two which combine to create self-destructive self-hatred.

Yea, that should be fun to explore. But explore I must. That is, for now, the plan for 2018. We’ll see where it goes. I need to get into whatever mental health care my new health insurance provides; hopefully that will be beneficial. Regardless, I need to pursue this project: exploring the history of my mental health to the best of my abilities.

Who knows what I’ll uncover? The one true fact being: if I do not attempt this journey, it will never happen, and I’ll remain lost where I am now.

T.A. Barnhart